Off to the North American International Auto Show tomorrow. Looking forward to it :). There should be a lot of really cool stuff there, including the brilliant looking CTS Coupe Concept. I'm also excited to see the Chevy Volt (I really hope its there), because I'm so enamored with the idea that I've told everyone its going to be my next car!

I'll post pictures when I get back...but they're probably not going to show up in this space. If there's one thing I like about Facebook, its the fact that making photo albums is absolutely painless. So check there for pictures.

I went for a nice long walk tonight. The temperature was about about -15'C. I took a circular route around my neighbourhood that took a little over an hour to complete. I set the iPod to Killswitch Engage and let it run.

I have to say it was far more enjoyable (and productive) than I expected. I've had a story idea floating around in my head for a week or two now, and tonight it really coalesced into a coherent plot. I think it could be something worth telling, and I'm pretty excited to get started! I spent the majority of the hour focused on story. So much so, that I actually walked right past my place and continued on for another half kilometre before I even realized it.

My knees are a bit sore, testament to how lazy I've been these last months. When I was in Australia I did walks like this, and longer, almost every day. I really need to get back in shape!

It is with no small amount of trepidation that I've returned home. 'Home', being a relative term. This is where I sleep, where I keep my belongings, and this is indeed the address for which I am paying money to reside. Yet, Home? I'm not so sure.

Strictly speaking, the word fits, within the realm of its usual definition. Home: (hōm) - A place where one lives, a residence. But what about the other definitions? What about 'A valued place regarded as a refuge', what about that indeed. That, to me, implies some sort of positive emotional attachment. In other words, something I completely lack.

Its not even a bad place really. Nothing special, not bad, just average. That's not the problem. I have roommates, and we're completely different types of people. I wouldn't say the partnership has worked out at all as hoped. Its unfortunate, but I'm not even sure that's the whole problem.

What is it then? Why do I feel so uncomfortable here? Why does it feel like the walls are moving in and why the hell is my breathing so constricted?

I'm not happy here. No doubt in part due to the fact that I'm not happy with myself. It probably doesn't take a lot of detective work to figure that one out.

Scattered, unfocused. That about sums it up. Its been like that for longer than I care to admit, but its becoming harder to pretend otherwise. Everyone keeps reminding me that my life should have some sort of focus by now. I can't go on being a nothing forever. I need to find some sort of business entity to attach myself to so I can become a nothing within their corporate structure.

Ok, I digress. That was over the top. That's wasn't even a 'glass is half full' attitude, it was a 'that glass is fucking empty' attitude. I have a tendency to envision a negative spin on things, with the excuse that that way I'm never disappointed. Sometimes it goes too far. My bad.

Anyway. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that for whatever reason I'm struggling. But the problem is ironic in that I want to do so much that I end up doing nothing. It's absolutely absurd! I don't want to be the nothing that everyone seems to think I'm becoming. I want to write, I want to do photography, I want to work my ass off in the gym 5 hours a day, I want to fiddle around with computers and electronics, I want to do all these things and much more. And let me tell you its a pain in the ass trying to figure out where I stand with any one of these various pursuits. The biggest roadblock: the nagging self-doubt. I don't think a domineering wife could possibly be as oppressive.

Its time to move forward. However long it takes. Swallow the pride. Take what I can get, do what I need to do. Believe, just for a second, that I can be more than a pale shade of the perfect self.

I'm writing again. I think that is worth noting. I have to admit I feel a lot better now. I doubt the 'quality' of writing was all that high. I sort of spewed the words out, so to speak. But it is something.

And something is better than nothing.

Now that I've returned from Australia and finished posting torrents of photos, I managed to disappear from the blogosphere yet again, much to the chagrin of both my readers.

I guess Facebook got the better of me. The original intention was merely to check it out, see what the big deal was. It seemed more like a lazy persons blog more than anything else, with the most effort, modest as it is, going toward updating my status every few days. Bryan is: "bored." Bryan is: "eating." Bryan is: "struggling to find purpose in a monotone existence." I tried to kid myself into thinking people actually paid attention to the changing status, thus filling it with various witticisms and philosophical truths (such as I see). Truth is, the average attention span just doesn't have time for it. Hell, my attention span doesn't have time for that anymore. The realization forced an unpleasant question upon me.

Is Facebook slowly destroying my mental faculties?

I could say yes, but I would be lying. In fact, I would merely be assigning blame. The apparent degradation is no ones fault but my own. The root cause is and always will be - laziness.

So, after a long hiatus, I turned back to blogger. Something that takes a little bit of effort to do. Some thought, and perhaps, even consideration. A sort of mental gym, if you will.

Will I be updating this page regularly? Unlikely. I'll leave the simple stuff for Facebook. That's what its there for, after all. I do, however, intend on utilizing this page if I have the need to express something that requires more than a sentence or two. I've had a lot on my mind lately, culminating in an incredible need to get on the computer and start writing. So its possible I'll be on here a lot.

Unless I stumble back into my old routine. The passivity that breeds discontent and neglect for everything that inspires me to be creative.

I shall endeavor to do otherwise.