At work, we get very few radio stations. For some reason, 91.5 The Beat comes in clearly though, so it's usually turned there. It's all hip hop shit, and the DJ's are brutal. Thus, I have been inspired to give you:

Recipe for a Top 10 Hip Hop Song

1. Be as generic as possible.
2. Lots of Bass.
3. Singing skills are optional (talking is fine, you don't even have to do that clearly either).
4. Rhyming is important, but you don't have to be good at it. Mangling the proper pronunciation of a word to make it fit a rhyme is more than adequate.
5. Complex chorus' are bad. Make it as simple as possible so drunk people can sing along.
6. Actually, lyrics can be as meaningless as you want, so long as people have a chorus they can sing to.
7. Sing about the opposite sex. Guys playing the Pimp works well.
8. Beats should be simple, something people can dance to. Stealing from other hip hop "artists" is ok.
9. Brief beat pauses are becoming popular. It makes it seem as though you worked harder on the composition.

With these rules in mind (and my own plans to bend some), I've decided to compose some of my own material - any similarity to other works currently popular is purely intentional.

(beat starts, thump thump thump pause for effect, then thumping again and the lyrics start)

ugh, yea, I'm a homie
but you dunno me
I'm from far away
land of the sleigh
it's all cold
no one to hold
gimme yo love
soft like a dove

oh baby, ya, oh baby, ya gimme yo love
gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme yo love

(pause)
SO, NOW
(beat starts again, slightly different now - part 2)

I'm a pimp daddy and I dunno when to stop
I got shot at yesterday when I ran from a cop
Tha fucka tried to jail me but I wore my reebok
I got away real quick and then I played with my cock

I'm a pimp daddy! (Wha?)
Pimp daddy in da house (Yo!)
I'm a, yeah, pimp daddy (Wha?)
Pimp daddy in da house yeah (Yo!)

(pause)
(new beat - part 3)

TONIGHT, I drove my car 'round on a full tank'o gas and it felt real good
BUT THEN, I hit a jaywalker, he smashed my windshield, I got out and stood
STARING, at the mess I dunno what to do I think I'm in trouble
NO WAY, I'll die in jail the dudes will hit my tail cuz I'm so loveable
SO I, took the body and I stuffed it in, my little fucking trunk
DROVE AWAY, to find the river, but damn my liver, wish I wasn't drunk
TOOK A PISS, off in the bush, decided this was good, thought to do it now
DRAGGED OUT, the stupid dead man, but he's hard to carry, heavy as a cow

Diiiiiiiiiig Aaaaaa, Graaaaaave Noooooow
Diiiiiiiiiig Aaaaaa, Graaaaaave Noooooow
Diiiiiiiiiig Aaaaaa, Graaaaaave Noooooow
Diiiiiiiiiig Aaaaaa, Graaaaaave Noooooow

Dig It! Dig It! Dig It! Dig It! Oh Oh! Dig It! Dig It! Dig It! Dig a fucking grave now
Dig It! Dig It! Dig It! Dig It! Oh Oh! Dig It! Dig It! Dig It! Dig that really deep now

(pause)
(part 4 starts - with female backup singing, in italics!)

uh, yea, uh yea
listen to thaaa
bass, ya, gimme bass
gimme more, oh, more
I want a girl, ya

I want to dominate (Touch Me)
I want to incapacitate (Hold Me)
I want to alleviate (Throw Me)
I want to subordinate (Feed Me)
I want to alkjfoiuejinate (Water Me)

Yea, yea, OH, yea, yea, girl, you know me
You know me (Oh, Oh)
You know me (Oh, Oh)
You love me (Oh, No)

(beat pause, then goes fast and hell even throw in some stolen orchestral line from somewhere to give it depth for the final part)

This be my foshizzle!
Ya my fuckin nizzle!
I'm like a crazy gangsta!
With a bigga wangsta!
I got me all my ladies!
Blingin like the eighties!
Got me a fancy car!
Cuz I'm a Hip Hop Star!

HIP is the way I see
HOP is just how it be
SUCKS cuz you jus don't know
SHIT bout how I love to go

HIP is the way I see
HOP is just how it be
SUCKS cuz you jus don't know
SHIT bout how I love to go

HIP is the way I see
HOP is just how it be
SUCKS cuz you jus don't know
SHIT bout how I love to go

(beat fades away, the lyrics fade with it)


There we go! If you ask me, I think I've got some supermegacolossal hits on my hands here. Now you tell me what YOU all think! You know how to reach me.

Peace!

~K